Ivi Hua
THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU[1]
When you take a step back, all of this feels too strange. I thought I couldn’t dream up a life without you, but now you’re neither here nor
there.[2] Lately, spring has been unfurling the trees. Leaves spooling to stars. In the alcove, wallows of dust.
Yesterday, I returned to those pools of regret. Tried to mold the walls in the shape of memory.[3] When I landed by the window, it was
sunset.[4] Somewhere, I knew, you were seeing the same sky. Knew that celestial bodies, holier than our own, would not falter.
And in a sense, the certainty was comforting.[5] Time takes us all, binding wrists and mouths.[6] Seconds and hours made for easy consumption and discard. While we have what we were given, I will think of calling,[7] marvel up at the crescent moon, scythed and alit. I won’t worry about your heart. We both know you are just as unbreakable as always, your bones platinum & bronze.[8]
One day, I won’t see you in the reflection of the sky. It will not be this one. Through the fields, I can taste the spring on my tongue, a ghost of us in the dirt. The lilies are blooming now, and my mother has left them in the garden. As of late, it’s been raining. I’m writing this to see if you’ll remember.
Really, I’m writing this so you won’t forget.[9]
[1]. BUT I CAN’T.
Also Known As: “we don’t speak anymore but sometimes you’ll appear in a dream and i wake up with a lump in my throat.”
“i rend my heart asunder instead of calling you again.”
“amalgamation of Unsaid things.”
[2]. And I’m somewhere close to nowhere.
[3]. i was miraging last summer.
you by the pond, hands
skimming through water. that blue
fracturing
like a song.
[4]. The clouds pure silk. I pressed my hand to the pane and imagined you on the other side. In that delirium, I wanted you to pull me
through glass and shard.
[5]. I could feel the porcelain in my face. I was more statue than girl, clay sloughing through my blood. One misstep and I would smash to
pieces.
[6]. Even as this gravity, hallowed and grave, pins us into place, I see us spiraling. In the air, our bodies rendered holy. Limbs like glass and
teeth of pearls.
lately, i bite down,
taste grit. my tongue roving through
the empty spaces.
[7]. (truth be told, i think
i love you more than i remember.)
[8]. Once, I thought you were the saint of all things faultless. Never did you prove me wrong. Even when you drew in breath, I could trace
the line of air like a wave. Graph the movement of your heart, see lines diverge.
I still imagine you less shadow than sun.
[9]. Love, nothing can last forever. At the very least, may time grant us a kinder memory.
there.[2] Lately, spring has been unfurling the trees. Leaves spooling to stars. In the alcove, wallows of dust.
Yesterday, I returned to those pools of regret. Tried to mold the walls in the shape of memory.[3] When I landed by the window, it was
sunset.[4] Somewhere, I knew, you were seeing the same sky. Knew that celestial bodies, holier than our own, would not falter.
And in a sense, the certainty was comforting.[5] Time takes us all, binding wrists and mouths.[6] Seconds and hours made for easy consumption and discard. While we have what we were given, I will think of calling,[7] marvel up at the crescent moon, scythed and alit. I won’t worry about your heart. We both know you are just as unbreakable as always, your bones platinum & bronze.[8]
One day, I won’t see you in the reflection of the sky. It will not be this one. Through the fields, I can taste the spring on my tongue, a ghost of us in the dirt. The lilies are blooming now, and my mother has left them in the garden. As of late, it’s been raining. I’m writing this to see if you’ll remember.
Really, I’m writing this so you won’t forget.[9]
[1]. BUT I CAN’T.
Also Known As: “we don’t speak anymore but sometimes you’ll appear in a dream and i wake up with a lump in my throat.”
“i rend my heart asunder instead of calling you again.”
“amalgamation of Unsaid things.”
[2]. And I’m somewhere close to nowhere.
[3]. i was miraging last summer.
you by the pond, hands
skimming through water. that blue
fracturing
like a song.
[4]. The clouds pure silk. I pressed my hand to the pane and imagined you on the other side. In that delirium, I wanted you to pull me
through glass and shard.
[5]. I could feel the porcelain in my face. I was more statue than girl, clay sloughing through my blood. One misstep and I would smash to
pieces.
[6]. Even as this gravity, hallowed and grave, pins us into place, I see us spiraling. In the air, our bodies rendered holy. Limbs like glass and
teeth of pearls.
lately, i bite down,
taste grit. my tongue roving through
the empty spaces.
[7]. (truth be told, i think
i love you more than i remember.)
[8]. Once, I thought you were the saint of all things faultless. Never did you prove me wrong. Even when you drew in breath, I could trace
the line of air like a wave. Graph the movement of your heart, see lines diverge.
I still imagine you less shadow than sun.
[9]. Love, nothing can last forever. At the very least, may time grant us a kinder memory.
Ivi Hua is an Asian-American writer, dreamer, & poet. A Pushcart Prize & Best of the Net nominee, she is the author of Body, Dissected (kith books, 2024) and cofounder of Young Poets Workshops. Ivi believes in the initiation of change through language, & you can find her @livia.writes.stories on Instagram.