Calling Customer Service
*dial tone*
*phone rings*
Thank you for calling The Identity Assignment Bureau. To assist you better, please listen to the following options. Dial 1 for Gender, 2 for Sexuality, and 3 for Romantic Inclinations. If you would like to make a complaint, dial 4. Dial zero if you would like to hear this message again.
*dial tone*
You have reached the Gender Division of The Identity Assignment Bureau. Please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.
“Sorry, what? I don’t have a…”
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that code. Please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.
“I don’t know the code.”
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that code. Please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.
“I DON’T KNOW THE CODE!”
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that code. Please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.
*multiple dial tones*
Please wait.
Your gender code corresponds to the tag, ‘Man.’ Is that right? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.
“No!”
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that entry. Your gender code corresponds to the tag, ‘Man.’ Is that right? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.
*dial tone*
Thank you. You have selected, ‘no.’ To assist you better, please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.
“What the f-”
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that code. Please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.
*multiple dial tones*
Please wait.
Your gender code corresponds to the tag, ‘Woman.’ Is that right? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.
*dial tone*
Thank you. You have selected, ‘yes.’ Please wait while I connect you to one of our customer service agents.
*hold music*
“Good morning! You are through to Mary in the Women’s Department. Please can you give me your full name, age and current gender code?”
“Oh… hi Mary. Er… it’s Arden Hunter, I’m 38 and I’m sorry but I don’t know my current gender code, that’s part of why I’m calling.”
“Good morning Miss Hunter, thank you for calling. I’m sorry but we won’t be able to proceed further without your gender code. You should have received it when you were assigned your gender.”
“Um, it’s not ‘Miss’, actually. That’s another reason why I’m calling…”
“We have you down as ‘Miss’ on our system.”
“Sure, but… anyway look I don’t have the code. I just want to talk to someone about my gender assignment, I think there’s been a mistake-”
“I’m sorry but we won’t be able to proceed further without your gender code. You should have received it when you were assigned your gender.”
“I… hang on, is this still a recording? Or are you a real person?”
“I’m sorry but we won’t be able to proceed further without your gender code. You should have received it when you were assigned your gender.”
“OK… but where would I find my gender code?”
“A person’s gender code refers to a number of contributing factors, such as societal expectations, group hierarchy, visible presentation, and career route. You should have received it when you were assigned your gender.”
“Oh. Well, yes I do know those things, but the problem is that they’re the wrong ones… I think. I mean… I know they’re the wrong ones.”
“Do you conform to societal expectations based around the gender you were originally assigned?”
“What? Well… yes, but it’s not like I…”
“Are you placed within a hierarchical structure when in multi-gender groups, according to the gender you were originally assigned?”
“I… I guess so…”
“Do you visibly present as the gender you were originally assigned?”
“... sometimes?”
“Was your career path in any way affected by the gender you were originally assigned?”
“I never really thought about it…but… yes.”
“Your responses have indicated that you are satisfied with your assigned gender. Thank you and have a nice day!”
*dial tone*
“Wait… no! Hello? HELLO? Damnit…”
*dial tone*
“Oh, come on. Pick up the phone!”
*phone rings*
Thank you for calling The Identity Assignment Bureau.
“Yeah yeah, alright.”
To assist you better, please listen to the following options.
“Yes.”
Dial 1 for Gender,
“Uh-huh.”
2 for Sexuality, and 3 for Romantic Inclinations.
“Hah!”
If you would like to make a complaint,
“Yep.”
dial 4. Dial zero if you would like to hear this message again.
“No thanks.”
*dial tone*
You have reached the Complaints Division of The Identity Assignment Bureau. To assist you better, please state the nature of your complaint.
“Look… I tried talking to someone in the Gender Division and I didn’t get anywhere. I have been assigned the wrong gender. I need to speak to someone about getting the correct one.”
Thank you. You would like to speak to someone about a mistake with your assigned gender, is that right? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.
*dial tone*
Thank you. You have selected, ‘yes.’ Please wait while I connect you to one of our customer service agents.
*hold music*
“Oh you have got to be kidding me.”
“Good morning! You are through to Mary in the Complaints Department. Please can you give me your full name, age and current gender code?”
“What? No! No, I already talked to you - look, is there a real person there I can talk to?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that code. Please key in your gender code by using the keypad on your device.”
“Look if you don’t put me through to a manager or a supervisor or whoever, I am going to put this bureau on blast all over social media, and that will really affect your sales, won’t it? Absolutely ridiculous…”
“Thank you. You would like to speak to the sales team, is that right? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.”
“I… OK, yes.”
*dial tone*
Thank you. You have selected, ‘yes.’ Please wait while I connect you to one of our sales representatives.
*hold music*
“No!”
“Good morning! You are through to Mary in the Sales Department. Please can you give me your full name, age and current gender code?”
“What the HELL I do NOT HAVE A GENDER CODE!”
“Thank you. You would like to purchase a new gender, is that right? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.”
“Purchase a new gender… Alright yes, let’s do that.”
*dial tone*
“Thank you. You have selected, ‘yes.’ To assist you better, please state the gender you would like to purchase.”
“I… I don’t know, actually. What genders do you have?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that gender. Please state the gender you would like to purchase.”
“I don’t know!”
“If you are unsure which gender you wish to purchase, may we recommend our two most popular genders of Man and Woman?”
“I don’t want either of those.”
“Our top selling Man and Woman currently come with a 20% discount.”
“Discount?... What kind of discount? What do they cost?”
“Our individualized plan after discount, will only cost your sense of self, self-actualization and self-esteem. Purchase your new gender today, and receive a free upgrade including imposter syndrome!”
“No way. That is far too expensive. I’m not interested.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that gender. Please state the gender you would like to purchase.”
“I don’t want one.”
“You are currently assigned the gender of ‘Woman’. Would you like to cancel this gender and purchase a replacement?”
“No, I would like to cancel this gender and that’s it. No more. No more gender, I’m done.”
“All customers must be assigned a gender in order to participate in existence.”
“Bollocks. I don’t want one. You can stuff it.”
“All customers must be assigned a gender in order to participate in existence.”
“If you won’t cancel it, I’ll give it away. There are plenty of people in the world who want my gender. They can have it, if it makes them feel any better.”
“Unauthorized sales of gender may result in sanctions from the Bureau.”
“I’m not going to sell it - it’s a gift. To anyone who wants it.”
“All customers must be assigned a gender in order to participate in existence.”
“...Maybe. We’ll see.”
“All customers must be assigned a gender-”
*dial tone*
Arden Hunter is an aroace agender writer, artist and performer. With an eclectic range of interests from the horrific to the whimsical, the theme tying all of their work together is an inexplicable and unconditional love of the ridiculous beast that is called 'human'. Arden has words, audio and art hosted and upcoming with BeirBua Journal, The Bear Creek Gazette and Kissing Dynamite among other places. Find them on Twitter @hunterarden and at ardenhunter.com.